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Assorted Disclaimers
STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Thanks to Brian Boyle. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Nap was here. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free number before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous notices.
Source: www.wilk4.com/humor/humorm180.htm
EMAIL DISCLAIMER:
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the pit bull next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.
Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
Source: www.wilk4.com/humor/humorm309.htm
MORE:
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles.
Source: www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/87/4487.html
THE ULTIMATE DISCLAIMER (?)
This message does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or alter ego; all rights reserved; you may distribute this message freely but you may not make a profit from it; terms are subject to change without notice; this message has not been safety tested for children under the age of 3; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail; intended solely for the private use of our audience; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this message is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; prices may vary in Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico; message is provided "as is" without any warranties; reader assumes full responsibility; past performance does not predict future results and people can and do lose money; an equal opportunity message; no shoes, no shirt, no message; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; not liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading; read only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking this message could be hazardous to your health; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician; may cause drowsiness, alcohol may intensify this effect; use caution when operating a car or dangerous machinery; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 to read; objects in mirror are closer than they appear; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply; contest ends 12-31-98; contents measured by weight only, contents may settle in transit; May cause random outbursts of extreme violence, epileptic seizures, or whatever; actual message may differ from illustration on box.
Source: http://people.msoe.edu/~taylor/humor/disclaimer.htm
CHECK DISCLAIMER FOR SOFTWARE PURCHASES:
AGREEMENT AND LIMITED WARRANTY
This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces.
The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.
This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea.
You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:
- Calling my bank to inquire about the status of my account;
- Thanking me at the conclusion of our business transaction;
- Going to bed at the end of this or any other day; or
- Using any toilet or rest room.
Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy. Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or all three.
Thank you and have a nice day!
Source: www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/91q4/softcheq.html
HUMOR DISCLAIMER:
This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either
myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't
quote me on anything; all rights reserved; this joke is distribution
copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute this joke and all its
associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include
the joke in commercial publications without written permission from the
President; other copyright laws for specific jokes apply wherever noted;
jokes are subject to change without notice; jokes are slightly enlarged to
show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is
unintentional and purely coincidental; hand wash only, tumble dry on low
heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no
substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this humorour offer is void
where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; humor is provided "as is"
without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities;
not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity joke
employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; quantities are limited while
supplies last; if defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them
yourself, but return to an authorized joke service center; caveat emptor;
read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may
contain material some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is
advised; keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children; limit
one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not
be present to win; some assembly required; batteries are not included;
action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; safety goggles may
be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if the
safety seal is broken; call before you dig; for external use only; if a
rash, redness, irritation,or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only
with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry
place; keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes; avoid contact
with mucous membranes;do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120
degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near flammable or magnetic source; smoking
these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second
only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text used in these jokes is
made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were
used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or
flavour added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist,
consult a humorologist; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when
wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; joke
offer valid only at participating E-mail sites; slightly higher west of the
Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; disclaimer does not cover
hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake,
flood, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage
from improper installation, broken antenna or marred cabinet, incorrect
line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom
vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer
adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to
airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, broken
glass, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, flying projectiles, or
dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you,
lighten up get a life, and move on.
Source: www.geocities.com/CollegePark/6174/jokes/humor-disclaimer-joke.htm
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